Setting Prisoners Free: SoCiaL PhOBiA anXiEty dISoRdeR and Homelessness!

Setting Prisoners Free: SoCiaL PhOBiA anXiEty dISoRdeR and Homelessness!

WONDERWOWEE

Beth just started a blog of her own called "Wonderwowee" - she is hoping and praying that it could be a support to parents of children with Limb Differences.

There are many parents and children who feel they are alone in their struggles to understand the "why", while coping with the stares, stupid questions and downright arrogance of a few. This is experienced, while seeing, feeling and knowing the amazing beauty of their child - a child beautifully wonderfully created by the Living God!

Our Muriwai is such a beautiful girl. Determined, creative, loving, passionate, helpful and independent.

Self Diagnosis - Social Phobia Anxiety Disorder!

My job, as a caseworker, is to analyse, assess and help out the people I have contact with at work and on the streets.

Recently, I have been studying various disorders to help myself discern how I can better understand and, thus, help and assist the individual. I have come to a better understanding of various mental illnesses, personality disorders and anxiety disorders. It is truly fascinating how different and unique the human race is! These "disorders" contribute to an amazing array of personalities, emotions and addictions, which results in an extremely colourful human race.

Well, during this study, I decided to take myself as a case.

During my study of anxiety disorders, I discovered (which Beth knew I had years before) I have a disorder called Social Phobia Anxiety Disorder. It is an exact match!

The irony is that my work consists of being a case-manager and outreach worker. The irony is I live in an intentional community. There are many ironies: the amount of time I'm on the phone, in meetings and meeting new people and even run a home group!

Yet - everything I read about this disorder makes sense! Whereas everyone (including myself)interpreted my quietness as being shy, it was and is the effect of having social anxiety. A phobia which has, does and will cripple me in many ways in social settings, yet, I pray that knowledge of this irrational disorder will, in fact, empower me (through Christ) to overcome and conquer this!
For, it is through weakness, that Christ's power is displayed through us!

What is Social anxiety disorder?
I would sum it up this way!
It is an irrational fear in social settings. My frequent blushing, sweating and heart palpitations are a common trait. There is a hint of paranoia in it, as you fear people are constantly judging, analysing and watching you, thus, making you nervous in trying to achieve your task. Even though, all rational thoughts will tell you otherwise, it is the irrational thoughts that prevent you from acting/ moving!

There were many fears that tormented me when I was younger and sent me into a deep depression: a vicious side affect of the disorder. Home groups were agonizing as I did not want to be seen and speak, as I didn't want to embarrass myself with a squeaky voice or say something foolish. Prayer times sent me into a downward spiral, as I feared praying out loud: With my heart beating a thousand miles an hour, sweating and occasionally blushing, I was in a no win situation, I never prayed for the above reasons, but judged myself for not praying and, actually, lost sleep over it - thinking everyone was judging me for not praying. How's that for irrational thinking! The examples are numerous; I refused to speak on the phone, I hated stores and despised meeting new people. I never answered a question at school (even though I knew the answer) and the realities of youth group, church and school enhanced the fears.

Wow - writing all that, makes me realize how crazy I am! How irrational! It also makes me realize how far God has brought me! But, I still have a long way to, as many of these irrational fears rear their ugly heads.

I pray that I will continue to fight to overcome and conquer this disorder - for, in Christ, we can and must be more than conquerors!

I hate TV, yet it grips me!

At the moment we do not have a TV.
People think we are strange or weird for not having a TV.
There are a number of reasons I feel it is good we do not operate a television at this time! TV has power over me in a strange and consuming manner.
I find myself loving it, yet hating it.
I find myself not wanting to watch something, yet watching it.
It grips me!
It can control me!
It has the power to exercise guilt over the endless hours that are spent staring into the screen of nothingness. Hours occupied doing nothing, but watching, watching, watching .............

My Amazing Tamahine

Muriwai continues to amaze me - every day.

Born with only her right hand - her left arm stopping just beyond her elbow. We call it her "special arm", she holds it out to people and tells them "kiss it - my special arm!"

She has a determination that embarrasses me frequently. Embarrasses me in the way that I wish I had the confidence and determination to try things that seem troubling, difficult or impossible. Combined with an extensively rigorous stubbornness, she fights, claws and struggles to do what she determines she needs to do!!!

Muriwai has this determination and a seemingly endless supply of energy, together with a beautiful loving personality where she desires hugs and kisses. She also wants to help those in need, or those who think they need help - like her big brobro! Yelling "I'll get it", she runs and lugs something most 2 year old boys or girls couldn't handle, often offended when someone wants to help her. It makes her smile as she struggles, huffing and puffing, up the hallway with an enormous object. Of course, this delights me to see her so delighted.

This is a quick and succinct summary of one quality of my amazing, beautiful, loving, determined little tamahine and I feel, as a 2 year old, she is a wonderful example!

Neverending thoughts!

I spoke to my mum last night and she said you haven't updated your blog. My trouble is I tend to analyse too much and have so much on my mind 24/7 that I end up trying to escape by just entering into la-la land, by surfing the Internet, watching a movie or blobbing in front of a TV, rather than doing something constructive like reading, exercising, studying or writing something on my blogs. All this results in me having a guilty disposition of wasted time.

Oh well:
At least I am attempting to update it tonight.

Some of the topics I am presently contemplating and pondering over -

• the frequent stories of working in a homeless shelter - the joys, sorrows, struggles, successes, failures and the continual work the Lord is doing in their lives and the love He has for each and every individual
• the bigotry, racism, persecution and prejudice experienced by a few homeless and low-income men trying to gain moving jobs outside the local U-Haul
• the continual comtempt the homeless, disenfranchished and poverty stricken folk receive daily, just because they are homeless. Painted with a fine propangda brush, pretending (and convincing some) that they really do care!
• the reality, studying and analysing of personality disorders, along with mental illness, addictions, substance abuse and physical disabilities that cause so much suffering. Yet, there is so much beauty that resides in these individuals, making them so unique!! And God, in His majesty, uses such "disorders" to affect change.
• the corrupt and extremely racist US prison system, which locks the black man up at an incredibly fast and unjust rate - causing families to be torn apart with this new wave of slavery, making it virtually impossible to gain employment and / or housing. Trapped in a society that will not forgive and will hold the crime over the person's head. The facts and figures should embarrass us all!!!
• the trappings and power of gang life. It embraces the child / youth with manipulative force and produces an addictive power. The more the prestige, the more the bondage upon the individuals life and the chance of escape becomes increasingly more impossible - and don't get me started about prison's role in this system!!!!
• the question arises: how can I truly advocate for the oppressed, the enslaved and trapped? it is truly devastating!!!!

To change my course slightly, I do think, contemplate and analyse other issues.

• the affects (often devastating) technology has on society. How Satan uses it and entertains us to death (me included)
• the affects (often devastating) money has on us. My continued efforts to devalue and desacralize it and treat it with disdain - knowing it is a necessity, yet attempting to make sure it has no power over me!
• how do I truly love my neighbour - I am currently reading Kierkegaard's Works of Love! An immense challenge to treat and see all people as my neighbour! Existentially living out the command with every person I encounter. It being a duty, not a feeling!
• a new perspective on the book of Revelation - with an extreme relevance for today. The need to faithfully persevere against the powers that be! A truly exciting discovery!
• the increased study of the works of Kierkegaard, Jacques Ellul, John Howard Yoder and Marva Dawn and their brilliant insights into living a life of faith.

Wow - I am carrying on, I have so much to ponder - too much! But, I love it! I like to ponder, analyse and pray over these issues - even if it sometimes results in restlessness and mourning.

Of course, I frequently ponder over the beauty of my family. It is first and foremost:

• The raising and our love of our two gorgeous children and all it's challenges and all it involves: health, struggles, discipline etc., etc....... all the complexities in the neverending commitment and love toward being a faithful husband and father!

There is so much more I could ramble on about. The fact of the matter is - I feel and know that I need to advocate for and love the poor!! Love thy neighbour as thyself!!!! It is a necessity! I know it is a struggle to remain faithful to my calling and not be preoccupied by the pursuit of leisure, being content and meaningless trivia.

A vision has been rekindled.

Time has passed.
Nothing has been written.
Thoughts have been thought, but nothing has been catalogued in this vast technological wasteland.
I need to write - I need to pray - I need to read - I need to think .......
I need to NOT be caught up with countless hours wasting my time watching TV and surfing the net.
Time is valuable - I have my wonderful and beautiful whanau (family) and the calling and mission the Lord has placed on my life - "to the least of these"

the vision of this blog is to verbalize my faith in various ways and on various topics. The joys and woes, the pain and the laughter, the challanges and the occasional delightfully easy paths and, of course, the daily struggles of straining to live the life that Jesus calls us too!

I pray that I will, in some way, journal the experiences I am experiencing, with the blessed life God has given me. I hope and pray the journey will draw me closer to HIM.

Simply Living the Simple Life

The question I repeatedly ask myself is how, with my God given freedom, do I simply live the simple life?
How do I live in the freedom, faith and simplicity that Jesus and the Apostle Paul emphasized so radically in the New Testament?
Followers of Christ must not and cannot ignore these passages for the sake of comfort, wealth and the easy chair!
My desire to eat yummy food, live well, buy new technological appliances and comfortably exist continously gets in the way of the ideal: to be a cheerful generous giver living with essentials. To live by and in faith. Like Paul in the book of Romans I constantly do what I don't want to do, and I don't do what I should do! God knows my struggles and my heart.
It is a battle.
The lilies of the field and the birds of the air have all their needs met by their Creator. I must continually consider them, and in considering them, live by faith, because my Creator will meet all my needs! Faith, faith, faith in the God who WILL supply all my needs.
So, yet, in knowing this, I still struggle to trust in the eternal promise of the Omnipotent Provident One.
When Jesus lived, He coupled simple living with freedom, in other words, He did not couple simple living with legalism. That is seen in His response to the woman who poured on Him a bottle of very expensive perfume. As the disciples rebuked this woman for wasting money, Jesus made it very clear that she had done right in the eyes of God!
Legalism (or moralism) is never the way of Jesus. We should never create a law for ourselves that can never be broken. Yet freedom becomes the more difficult choice, as life consists of a million judgement-calls. But, that is the way of Jesus and the Apostle Paul (especially 1 Corinthians 8 - 10).
Freedom, faith and simple living essentially reside together. They must co-exist, without the other 2, the single will struggle to live by it's lonesome!
In sum, this world is so full of non-essentials, which only serves to occupy and take us away from what our focal concerns should be. The raging battle is to live in a way and manner that would glorify the Lord Of Hosts.
Another way of saying it might be: eliminating some of the non-essentials and time wasters, turning others into essentials and focusing my attention on the focal concerns. This is possible only if we live as Jesus told us; to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbour as ourselves.

not my will, but YOURS be done.

Kierkegaard emphasized that as Christians we love to live a sagacious lifestyle, carefully living safely with complete levelheadedness, thus, denying the need to live in and by faith. We, as human beings, want to secure our own future, again denying us the necessity of faith. Scribes, Pharisees and Sadducees lived this way! The question should not be one of personal significance and / or comfort, but the essential desire to DO the will of the Father. When we care more about our own needs, wants and desires than that of loving God and neighbour, we are, in fact, ignoring the essential message that Jesus lived and proclaimed.

Teletubbies, Sickness and a Sagacious Lifestyle

I wrote this back in 2006 - when I started this blog! I found it interesting and decided to post it as it was saved as a draft!

My backdrop is teletubbies very happily proclaiming their happiness and desire for big hugs. My exhausted son lays absorbed by these 4 creatures, drained from several days of moderate to high fevers.

A few Church people have questioned (more literally, judged) the rationale of why we would live in a community in the inner city of Chicago, especially when the young ones get sick. The fact is sickness does come and go with our oldest boy, but I would hereby question whether his colds and fevers come through a genetic predisposition or through the climate and communal living. I would definitely put more emphasis on genetics than the other, due to the fact that relatives also struggle with similiar symptoms and they do not live in the inner city of Chicago!

We often wonder how (the negative) church folk would respond if we were working amongst the poverty stricken millions in Calcutta, I suppose they would proudly proclaim our missionary endeavours to everyone around, and thus, never question the dangers of sickness. But working, as a missionary, amongst the poor in Chicago does not register high on their sainthood totem pole. The matters of missionary work proves to be a very subjective matter.

God has called us to Chicago!

Kierkegaard emphasized that as Christians we love to live a sagacious lifestyle, carefully living safely with complete levelheadedness, thus, denying the need to live in and by faith. We, as human beings, want to secure our own future, again denying us the necessity of faith. Scribes, pharisees and Saduccees lived this way! The question should not be one of personal significance and / or comfort, but the essential desire to DO the will of the Father. When we care more about our own needs, wants and desires than that of loving God and neighbour, we are, in fact, ignoring the essential message that Jesus lived and proclaimed.