Self Diagnosis - Social Phobia Anxiety Disorder!

My job, as a caseworker, is to analyse, assess and help out the people I have contact with at work and on the streets.

Recently, I have been studying various disorders to help myself discern how I can better understand and, thus, help and assist the individual. I have come to a better understanding of various mental illnesses, personality disorders and anxiety disorders. It is truly fascinating how different and unique the human race is! These "disorders" contribute to an amazing array of personalities, emotions and addictions, which results in an extremely colourful human race.

Well, during this study, I decided to take myself as a case.

During my study of anxiety disorders, I discovered (which Beth knew I had years before) I have a disorder called Social Phobia Anxiety Disorder. It is an exact match!

The irony is that my work consists of being a case-manager and outreach worker. The irony is I live in an intentional community. There are many ironies: the amount of time I'm on the phone, in meetings and meeting new people and even run a home group!

Yet - everything I read about this disorder makes sense! Whereas everyone (including myself)interpreted my quietness as being shy, it was and is the effect of having social anxiety. A phobia which has, does and will cripple me in many ways in social settings, yet, I pray that knowledge of this irrational disorder will, in fact, empower me (through Christ) to overcome and conquer this!
For, it is through weakness, that Christ's power is displayed through us!

What is Social anxiety disorder?
I would sum it up this way!
It is an irrational fear in social settings. My frequent blushing, sweating and heart palpitations are a common trait. There is a hint of paranoia in it, as you fear people are constantly judging, analysing and watching you, thus, making you nervous in trying to achieve your task. Even though, all rational thoughts will tell you otherwise, it is the irrational thoughts that prevent you from acting/ moving!

There were many fears that tormented me when I was younger and sent me into a deep depression: a vicious side affect of the disorder. Home groups were agonizing as I did not want to be seen and speak, as I didn't want to embarrass myself with a squeaky voice or say something foolish. Prayer times sent me into a downward spiral, as I feared praying out loud: With my heart beating a thousand miles an hour, sweating and occasionally blushing, I was in a no win situation, I never prayed for the above reasons, but judged myself for not praying and, actually, lost sleep over it - thinking everyone was judging me for not praying. How's that for irrational thinking! The examples are numerous; I refused to speak on the phone, I hated stores and despised meeting new people. I never answered a question at school (even though I knew the answer) and the realities of youth group, church and school enhanced the fears.

Wow - writing all that, makes me realize how crazy I am! How irrational! It also makes me realize how far God has brought me! But, I still have a long way to, as many of these irrational fears rear their ugly heads.

I pray that I will continue to fight to overcome and conquer this disorder - for, in Christ, we can and must be more than conquerors!

I hate TV, yet it grips me!

At the moment we do not have a TV.
People think we are strange or weird for not having a TV.
There are a number of reasons I feel it is good we do not operate a television at this time! TV has power over me in a strange and consuming manner.
I find myself loving it, yet hating it.
I find myself not wanting to watch something, yet watching it.
It grips me!
It can control me!
It has the power to exercise guilt over the endless hours that are spent staring into the screen of nothingness. Hours occupied doing nothing, but watching, watching, watching .............

My Amazing Tamahine

Muriwai continues to amaze me - every day.

Born with only her right hand - her left arm stopping just beyond her elbow. We call it her "special arm", she holds it out to people and tells them "kiss it - my special arm!"

She has a determination that embarrasses me frequently. Embarrasses me in the way that I wish I had the confidence and determination to try things that seem troubling, difficult or impossible. Combined with an extensively rigorous stubbornness, she fights, claws and struggles to do what she determines she needs to do!!!

Muriwai has this determination and a seemingly endless supply of energy, together with a beautiful loving personality where she desires hugs and kisses. She also wants to help those in need, or those who think they need help - like her big brobro! Yelling "I'll get it", she runs and lugs something most 2 year old boys or girls couldn't handle, often offended when someone wants to help her. It makes her smile as she struggles, huffing and puffing, up the hallway with an enormous object. Of course, this delights me to see her so delighted.

This is a quick and succinct summary of one quality of my amazing, beautiful, loving, determined little tamahine and I feel, as a 2 year old, she is a wonderful example!